Emotional Vulnerability

Just a random factual statement made w/ neutral intentions:

I appreciate when people let me know they care about me, but sometimes I feel smothered or overwhelmed if people do it too much.

It can kinda freak me out & make me fear that the person is being insincere, à la “methinks the lady doth protest too much.” I can be a bit standoffish emotionally if someone continues to inform me of how much they care about me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the affection, but rather, I simply show mine differently & am kind of uncomfortable expressing myself in those context/circumstances. You don’t need to tell me that you care about me if you want me to know it. Show me you care by trying to learn about the things that I talk about a lot because it means they’re important to me. Tell me you’re thinking about me by sending me something that reminded you of me & tell me why because I won’t necessarily get it if you just send me a pic or quote with no context. Doesn’t mean I’m not happy to get it – just means I’m genuinely confused & trying to figure out what it means to you heh.

I get that I can seem rude or distant or condescending or even callous & lacking in empathy at times. The truth is, I probably am just confused because I’m lacking context. This is actually my general state of existence. The reason I ask so many questions, talk about random stuff all the time, am always consuming tons of media & fiction, etc. is because I’m desperately trying to gather more information on what it means to be human & how to establish healthy, positive, productive meaningful relationships/connections with other living beings. It’s pretty tough for me. I feel like Jane Goodall observing the monkeys – trying to mimic their behaviors to fit in/be accepted as one of them, but really & truly being in the honest darkness & just doing the best to figure out what’s going on. It’s nice when the monkeys are trying to mimic me & that SOMETIMES helps me to get a better idea of what’s going on, but a lot of the time, I’m still just as lost. I see you trying to communicate with me, but I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. I’m trying to communicate with you, but I don’t know how to say what it is that I want to say in order for you to hear it the way that I mean it to be interpreted.

Also, know that I like almost all other animals more than humans so the Goodall/monkey comparison isn’t meant to be patronizing or inegalitarian in any way. Just an example of two different species trying to communicate with each other. This is largely why I feel so alien. Please forgive my awkward stiltedness when we’re communicating going forward. I’m working on smoothing out the bumps, & sounding less like an arrogant, inconsiderate prick. I promise. 

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